the driver

Be me and you is not an item
(off course i lied when i said "i've tried")
you, hollow eyes and barren lips
(a NO really means NO even when i tried my hardest)
but sweetness is in the eyes of the loving
and no matter how numb you are as person in my category
still i stay longer
even when i hate myself for it
rush and rush myself
to fullfill my desire of being love
my being love

you, the one who choose to be wet under the rain
with me and my umbrella right beside you
how sturdy
(you never know how much i want to share that space)
no you will not ask
that is how far i know you
and i dont want to ask
be you wet in the rain
i ask no more

but sweetness is in the eyes of the loving
hurt still
when im no longer around and your images is still with me

it takes time wih me
and i wonder how helpless will i be

so i transfer all my loving
for sadness's tiring

YOU
how i long to scream
be me precious
be me meaningless
i want to loose myself
as long as its not tears

NO i dont crave all the adventure
no sea
no beaches
no mountain
no cities
no roads
no jungle
compares to staying
that little hour with you

in times like this i believe god
the all mighty being
just to curse
just to wish
just to throw my confusion away
how selffullfilling
all is

Dia akan pergi subuh subuh. Ketika pagi masih gelap dan suara mobil masih terdengar satu satu, panjang dan lengang. Dia akan pergi sendiri, atau menggunakan mobil bersama orang yang dia sayang. Dia tidak akan menyetir, hanya duduk di sampingnya sambil mengamati perubahan mimik mukanya. Dan mereka akan melalui jalan yang lengang, dengan lampu jalan oranye yang membuat jalan terlihat hangat tapi sendiri. Oranye yang suram, oranye yang membuatnya merasa sepi, seperti memori. Lalu mereka akan mengambil jalanan beraspal yang terlihat paling panjang, seperti hamparan karpet yang ditebar. Mereka akan melewati pohon pohon tinggi dan kurus berselang seling seperti barisan, kebun kebun teh yang seperti permadani, sungai, bukit bukit dan pantai ditepi jalan. Mereka akan mengemudi sepanjang pantai, hanya untuk melihatnya dari jauh. Mereka akan menyalakan musik, musik tanpa vokal, hanya suara instrumen yang dinyalakan kencang kencang. Langit akan diiringi rintik hujan. Rintik yang kecil kecil dan lambat. Rintik yang biasa membuat dia termangu di depan jendela kaca sambil memperhatikan bulir bulir hujan berjatuhan satu persatu ke tanah dan menimbulkan riak pada genangan air yang berwarna perak ketika akhirnya jatuh. Lalu mereka akan berhenti pada satu puncak bukit yang menghadap ke lembah dengan hutan menghampar, atau sebuah pantai dengan pasir putihnya yang luas menghadap laut dengan desau ombak yang pecah mendebur. Lalu mereka akan menghadap laut. Menurunkan sandaran kursi, meregangkan kaki dan tangan lalu memandang. Apapun yang ada di depan mata, dengan sinar perak yang panjang ketika matahari mulai muncul di garis langit dan menerpa permukaan air, mencipta kilauan. Lalu dia akan mengalihkan pandangannya pada sang pengemudi, tersenyum dan mencoba untuk tertidur sambil berharap, ini semua bukan sebuah narasi dalam sepenggal cerita fiksi.

green

here come promises
here come words you have said
like love

like remembering how to desire
lost in daily
'are you thick enough?'
ask one to self
only to find remedy in human flaws

daily
how cruel

i want
like a child with sweets

i want
a glorius day
like sunshine in beaches
sound of waves
raindrops on the roof
breezy air in a cloudy day
green mountains with fogs

i want
birds chanting
grasshopers singing
an ease of mind

where am i now

where am i
have i come to the place i want most
stretch my arms like a poplar trees
like 'there aint no wrong
no mistakes

where am i now

where am i
will you wait for me there still?

in waiting

'you must have been very sad to be able to write such a sad line'... that was my last sentence.
then he said his words of goodbye and leave.
i sat there, shared his sadness in my own way for i can never comprehend the despair he felt.
with no chance for me to say anything else, he disappear.
leaving me with a sense of worry and vague feeling of guilt.

i always sense a form of kindness in fragility.
you can only have a broken heart when you love the thing that broke you much enough.
once broken, you left with fragility, a fear of broken once more.
the fear of not being love and the desire to love, leave one with a confusion of wants.
a sense of fragility.
in a way, its beautiful.
that's why i adore them.

kiddo, is one of them.
i only have the privilege to see his image in that sense.
the confuse, misunderstood, hostile person who might be afraid to love someone something too dear, for the rejection will stay while the thing or the person itself has left.

i have my share in fragility.
perhaps that is why i have the urge to be around fragile people.
the sense of being able to help, gives me a sense of importance.
perhaps i feed from their misery.
perhaps i am that evil.
perhaps i am not.

i have my share in fragility.
in rejection and broken heart.
i live most of my life rejecting my desire for male of the species, while wanting them all the time.
i somehow in my youth develop the ability to fall for the wrong guys; the straight one.
i always fall for the straight guys, imagine that.
six years of my youth for a series of rejection from one straight guy to another.
once, i even try to have a girlfriend as a result of my futile attempt to find affection towards the guys.
until one day, i find my last straight to be fall in to.
its the king of pain, the queen of sorrow.
that one person that change your course of life.
he did, that one stupid straight guy.
funny thing is, he might not even notice it.
ever since, i never risk my heart to straights.
perhaps i leave that part with him, my broken heart, so i can have another heart.
i'm so much happier now, weirdly to say.
weirdly to say, once you're out off that broken season, you're so much free-er.
i have my thanks to him, my last straight guy.
sometimes, i revisit that one broken heart of mine just for the sake of memory.
once loving, you can never actually un-love.

perhaps that's my difference with kiddo.
he didn't leave his broken heart.
the unspoken cant never really be forgotten.
i have my closing then luckily, perhaps he did not.
that's why we need closing, to remember all in order to leave it behind and say our departure.
leaving it to be forgotten.
that was what i had learn from four years of wanting the wrong guy, my second last one guy.
the only reason that keeps me waiting, later on i realize was, i haven't made my closing.
so i keep linger with his image; my image of him.
fully absorb with my own imagination, i forget which one is the 'real' one and which one is my desire.
the image become awfully blurred.
perhaps there the mighty being hear my prayer.
on the fourth year, i have my closing in a way i never imagine.
after that, in an instance he's out of my life.
so fast, that it makes me wonder on how useless the time i have spent thinking of him.
that is how stupid i am.
so when i met my last straight guy, i have my lesson on waiting and wanting.
i wait, but this time i count.
we really got to have misery so we can learn, i assume.
kiddo might not have his closing.
its not about love or not love.
its about realizing how miserable yourself is and how miserable you will be if you stay.
perhaps what really help me was that i truly love life itself.
more than myself.
more than anyone.

perhaps that's what i see in fragile people.
they try too hard.
when i was in my state of fragility, i was so confuse that sometimes i think i wont be able to help myself; in stopping.
its true, i wasn't able to help myself.
a book did; guide to depression.
that's what i do, i read it trough and was relief.
the book itself doesn't help much, the relief did.
in accepting how depressed i was, i'm so much less depressed.
there then perhaps i unconsciously had accept that im no longer happy and need to stop in order to move on.

kiddo, i dont know what happen to him.
perhaps he got too much broken heart.
when you're in his state, you just dont recover.
that is how fragile he is.
it gives rise for my desire to help.
there's happiness in helping people.
actually with kiddo, i have a mix feeling.
he never was a fragile one.
he's close to cynical and ignorant.
he hates people, that much i can tell.
but the reason for his hate, from my point of view is jealousy and rejection.
when you love small things like the sky and the weather, or words that someone say in books or real conversation, its impossible for such to not love the humans.
i always think kiddo genuinely love people.
just that perhaps he hates it when certain people that he feel dearly didnt show affection as much as he did.
he need something in return, in affection, i assume.
me, i dont really need it.
well its a lie..

but overall, i really dont need feed backs.
with kiddo, i wanna give as much as affection he needs.
for when one get all the affection one wants, one will need not much of something else.
yeah, that is how naive my taught is.

kiddo, he just need attention, thats all.
the rest, he'll get by.
i just wish i can be that person for him.
not because i want something in return.
its because i know how overwhelming the feeling of unwanted is.
kiddo, i do pray you got all the love you should get.
from me, or anyone else.

tired chasing life

i just lost my flash disk
all the things i have written now is lost
and suddenly i feel such grief

i have long develop the tendency to savor all the little joy in life
small things that sometimes doesnt matter for most people
that's why when i lost that little precious things, i would be broken

the flashdisk is something dear
but the writing inside is something that is very personal
and to make it worst, most of the writings are from the past
so its not something that can be retrieved just like that
when the writing's lost, i feel that some part of my past had gone
it is sad
very sad

reason(s)

last nite i read some lines from a gay person who had been in relation for 12 years
the relation ended after such time
i dont know what happen
the link to the guy is expired and i cant ask such question no more

me and my boyfriend had not spend such time, 12 years
maybe we will, maybe we wont
one thing is, i ask myself, what do gay couple have in relation to have reason in staying together when shit happens?
the hetero have their kids when shit happens
is it a reason?
off course some hetero dont have kids
my uncle does not
he's married for more than 30 years without kid(s)
so i guess some can go by without one (or two)
some hetero do stay together for kids
my parents for instance
im pretty sure they stay together for us (and for some other issues too off course)
i always think they count us in
but a hetero friend of mine just got divorce this month
with two kids in the family
so i think some just dont care whether having kids or not, the divorce go on
so having kid(s) is just an excuse
you can go or not go whether you have kid(s) or have not

so why hetero couples stay together?
what make the difference with the gays?

im pretty sure they dont make any difference
homosexuals or not, couples are prone to break
it is hard to keep oneself to one person for the rest of one's life
but there is wisdom inside every relation
and warmth
i dont how it is with the hetero
but there is kindness in keeping yourself staying together with one person

there's a lot of moments when i doubt myself in the commitment
when i meet new person that looks as if he is soo much better than my boyfriend
wiser
younger
richer
smarter
fresher
and any other -er ending adjective
there's moments when i actually have to keep myself in one spot and force to think
to think about the promise i said to him
that his dick is the only dick that i will ever see for the rest of my life in earth
that my heart will stay sacred for him
and he will never be an option, always the priority
that he will always be the one next to me when im eating whopper
yeah, that how important he is

i break that promise sometimes
not the dick, the heart the priority and the whopper thing that is
whenever i find new guy
the -er endings guy
my boyfriend's like lost from my surrounding
but weirdly i always find myself back to him
the older and wiser guy
the younger and fresher guy
the smarter and tidier guy
i meet the guys
just to find myself that somehow with their -er behind their adjectives still im in love with my boyfriend even more
off course there's always tears
i remember the moment i truly lost in this -er ending guy
and have to think what to do next
should i break my rules?
should i go wherever my desire pleases?
when my mind ponder with such question, i sit there with my boyfriend sleeping next to me
there is kindness in a sleeping face
i dont have to see his facial gesture
no visual persona, just the physical-biological-face
and there i sit
with tears of regret
what evil i would have done to such person
such person who will go beyond himself just to make me secure
such person who wait for me to come home, in hours
such person who will try hard not to lost his temper when my mood swing linger
a person who will forgive me no matter what i did
a person who will always love even tough one never really understand why
such a person
who am i to do such evil?
then i will burst in tears
of regret?
of relief?
tears of sadness
tears are always of sadness
what kind of sadness one may ask?
the kind that ask questions on how human are full of flaws
in understanding that, i need a person, one specific person to put that understanding to bear in my mind
one specific person that reflect myself
one who can radiance my own selfishness, confusion, patience, understanding, all the elements that makes me human; the evil, the good and the in-between
one person who can retrospectively make me think
the patient and honest one
the one who will try harder beyond one self
that is why i still linger around him in my sleep
he thought myself on being wiser, in the evil and good side of me
relation can only have meaning when you're in it, when you challenge yourself keeping it
be there to keep asking the relation itself
keep asking your desire
keep asking your commitment
to a moment where you harvest all the reasons
replenish yourself
there you will find so liiitle so close to have the cycle of life that you cant have in homosexual relation for you wont have that biological cycle like the hetero; kids
im pretty sure kids thought the parents much much wiser lessons in life
that's why the mighty being create one, so we can be wiser
i guess for me, that is my one reason for staying tune with my boyfriend
he thought me about myself
he let me challenge myself
go as far i can go but keep himself available, with his patience and honesty
and in doing so, he give me a mirror to myself
yeah, today im still in love with my BF
luckily

sometimes

i love my BF
but its hard living a gay life here

its hard to not showing our intimacy
we try our best to keep it shut
we dont hold hands in public
we never touch
we dont show our compassion
we secretly show it in our eyes,
in how we stare each other
but its not enough

we barely touch each other when we're at his parents house
we rarely stay close to each other when there is friends
we keep it shut

perhaps when it be come our daily routine to keep everything in secret
its hard for us to express anything openly in the end

we eventually keep secret to each other
we didnt say what we wanna say
we keep our mouth shut when there's a problem
and pray time will fade it away

for that's how we live our daily gay life
we keep silent

sometimes..
i no longer able to share things with him anymore
im just there, without fully aware or care what is going on
its tiring when relationship cant go anywhere publicly

sometimes..
i see couple sleeping in the bus
they put each other's head in the shoulder
i wonder how it feels to be able to do so freely with my BF in public
to wipe spoiled food in his lips with my finger
to fix his hair
to button his shirt
to kiss him in the forehead when departed
to hold hands
to show how much i love him every time i want to
every time everywhere

i never tough im gonna be one of those people that hide
not until my dad blow up in anger when he suspect me as gay
not until my dad suspend the tuition for my master
not until my dad literally order me to keep my BF away from home
not until i realize how disappointed each and every one of the family
not until i realize this love will go in silence

silence is here now
in every door that i quietly shut when i sneak my BF in
in every step when we walk the stairs to my room
in every breath we exhale when we're making love
in the dead dawn when he leave, unknown to all
it is here
and its here to stay

sometimes... i wanna scream

twenty four

hm... saya menulis pesan tak penting ini setelah bertemu muka alias kopdar dengan salah satu friendlist saya di mj, nick-nya kiddobadboy.
sebenarnya kalau mau beralasan, bukan saya yang minta kopdar tapi kiddobadboy (anehnya saya juga punya friendlist di-mj dgn nick yg mirip; kiddo, minus badboy. to be honest, dia salah satu alasan akhirnya saya menambah kiddobadboy ke dalam friendlist saya di mj, karena dia berbagi nick yang sama)

so it goes like this:

here lies a desire
here lies fear
here stood disappointment

there he stood, young in his gray pants and blue tshirt
you can see how he barely past his youth
none of queered sign but his blue plastic strap wrapped in his wrist, one of the kind that football player used to wear for raising funds.
he stood there and smile, tried to look natural, but you can see all to clearly that he's nervous. Much just like you.
Yes you did, you can hear it in your voice and all the choice of topics that suddenly puff-off from your mind.
You sense fear, of what he might think of you, all the bad things.
But you try to avoid to think one. So you start to make conversations, word-vomit you used to say. All the way from the very start both of you stop the public transportation to the end of the day. nothing worst than pretensions.
but all cant be perfect. so was you.
the young boy scared you like shit with the youth that you had lost long time ago.
suddenly you realize how old you are and how sad that made you.
age just numbers, your sister once recite. No its not, age is in the body. Once you cant keep up on how you used to work your days, you're there. old. and there you were in the end of the day, tired as hell.
there's sadness in that day. but you try to play hide and seek.
in the end, the feeling caught you. and you sat there, melancholic for the rest of the month.
but you cant stop to desire. feeling lost for all the time that had passed, you try to reach, hoping all were still there. your youth. your vague hope that somehow you're not late. it disappeared too fast.
you had not known what was going on, you still are. so you lament.
like all the losers do.
you stop (time feels like stopping) you shed tears. you easily angered. you runaway, the one easiest choice. you're gone.
from your loved ones, from friends and family. you hate yourself.
you hate your life.

there's a kind of joy in sadness
you just have to cry and all is forgotten
all is forgiven
when there's not a single thing changed
you crawl to your grief
its almost illusive
that's what desperate does
he accepts how little he is
and how so little he can do
you did

you stood there
you know how much you wanna hug him
the lost youth you had to accept
but you did not
your heart still hopes
there's this tiny change that you can still do
perhaps this is how pandora felt
with all the grieves
with all the regrets
as long as a man lives
he just had to have hope
how small
how meaningless
perhaps

 
yeah not much in there
i know
i'll try better next time :p 

not much to say but a little lie

honestly
salah satu alasan g menulis blog ini adalah karena terlalu sedikit space untuk menulis di mj
kalaupun hendak menulis banyak banyak, g rasa gak akan ada yang peduli baca juga
cuma makhluk makhluk super penasaran saja yang akan membaca habis profile di mj
bikin blog jauh lebih keren
dan memuaskan nafsu eksibis kecil kecilan g

honestly
g selalu ingin menulis
tentang seksualitas g yang jarang sekali dapat dengan bebas g utarakan di kehidupan sosial sehari hari
(bersama pacar sekalipun)
tentang rasa ingin tahu g yang tidak tersalurkan
atau sekedar cuap cuap tidak penting namun perlu

yah terkadang bahkan g gak pengen pacar g mendengarnya dari mulut g
g hanya ingin dia membacanya

honestly
g berasa rada naif
siapa sih yang bakal peduli satu tambahan blog setelah sekian banyak blog dibuat
blog  blog yang berhasil dapat banyak pembaca
yang terbengkalai
yang segan mati
dan yang tidak penting untuk disebutkan
yah g cuma pengen nambah nambahin blog buat profile mj g biar keren
g memang rada kurang kerjaan

segitulah pemirsa cuap cuap yang bikin blog
semoga tercerahkan