in waiting

'you must have been very sad to be able to write such a sad line'... that was my last sentence.
then he said his words of goodbye and leave.
i sat there, shared his sadness in my own way for i can never comprehend the despair he felt.
with no chance for me to say anything else, he disappear.
leaving me with a sense of worry and vague feeling of guilt.

i always sense a form of kindness in fragility.
you can only have a broken heart when you love the thing that broke you much enough.
once broken, you left with fragility, a fear of broken once more.
the fear of not being love and the desire to love, leave one with a confusion of wants.
a sense of fragility.
in a way, its beautiful.
that's why i adore them.

kiddo, is one of them.
i only have the privilege to see his image in that sense.
the confuse, misunderstood, hostile person who might be afraid to love someone something too dear, for the rejection will stay while the thing or the person itself has left.

i have my share in fragility.
perhaps that is why i have the urge to be around fragile people.
the sense of being able to help, gives me a sense of importance.
perhaps i feed from their misery.
perhaps i am that evil.
perhaps i am not.

i have my share in fragility.
in rejection and broken heart.
i live most of my life rejecting my desire for male of the species, while wanting them all the time.
i somehow in my youth develop the ability to fall for the wrong guys; the straight one.
i always fall for the straight guys, imagine that.
six years of my youth for a series of rejection from one straight guy to another.
once, i even try to have a girlfriend as a result of my futile attempt to find affection towards the guys.
until one day, i find my last straight to be fall in to.
its the king of pain, the queen of sorrow.
that one person that change your course of life.
he did, that one stupid straight guy.
funny thing is, he might not even notice it.
ever since, i never risk my heart to straights.
perhaps i leave that part with him, my broken heart, so i can have another heart.
i'm so much happier now, weirdly to say.
weirdly to say, once you're out off that broken season, you're so much free-er.
i have my thanks to him, my last straight guy.
sometimes, i revisit that one broken heart of mine just for the sake of memory.
once loving, you can never actually un-love.

perhaps that's my difference with kiddo.
he didn't leave his broken heart.
the unspoken cant never really be forgotten.
i have my closing then luckily, perhaps he did not.
that's why we need closing, to remember all in order to leave it behind and say our departure.
leaving it to be forgotten.
that was what i had learn from four years of wanting the wrong guy, my second last one guy.
the only reason that keeps me waiting, later on i realize was, i haven't made my closing.
so i keep linger with his image; my image of him.
fully absorb with my own imagination, i forget which one is the 'real' one and which one is my desire.
the image become awfully blurred.
perhaps there the mighty being hear my prayer.
on the fourth year, i have my closing in a way i never imagine.
after that, in an instance he's out of my life.
so fast, that it makes me wonder on how useless the time i have spent thinking of him.
that is how stupid i am.
so when i met my last straight guy, i have my lesson on waiting and wanting.
i wait, but this time i count.
we really got to have misery so we can learn, i assume.
kiddo might not have his closing.
its not about love or not love.
its about realizing how miserable yourself is and how miserable you will be if you stay.
perhaps what really help me was that i truly love life itself.
more than myself.
more than anyone.

perhaps that's what i see in fragile people.
they try too hard.
when i was in my state of fragility, i was so confuse that sometimes i think i wont be able to help myself; in stopping.
its true, i wasn't able to help myself.
a book did; guide to depression.
that's what i do, i read it trough and was relief.
the book itself doesn't help much, the relief did.
in accepting how depressed i was, i'm so much less depressed.
there then perhaps i unconsciously had accept that im no longer happy and need to stop in order to move on.

kiddo, i dont know what happen to him.
perhaps he got too much broken heart.
when you're in his state, you just dont recover.
that is how fragile he is.
it gives rise for my desire to help.
there's happiness in helping people.
actually with kiddo, i have a mix feeling.
he never was a fragile one.
he's close to cynical and ignorant.
he hates people, that much i can tell.
but the reason for his hate, from my point of view is jealousy and rejection.
when you love small things like the sky and the weather, or words that someone say in books or real conversation, its impossible for such to not love the humans.
i always think kiddo genuinely love people.
just that perhaps he hates it when certain people that he feel dearly didnt show affection as much as he did.
he need something in return, in affection, i assume.
me, i dont really need it.
well its a lie..

but overall, i really dont need feed backs.
with kiddo, i wanna give as much as affection he needs.
for when one get all the affection one wants, one will need not much of something else.
yeah, that is how naive my taught is.

kiddo, he just need attention, thats all.
the rest, he'll get by.
i just wish i can be that person for him.
not because i want something in return.
its because i know how overwhelming the feeling of unwanted is.
kiddo, i do pray you got all the love you should get.
from me, or anyone else.