sometimes

i love my BF
but its hard living a gay life here

its hard to not showing our intimacy
we try our best to keep it shut
we dont hold hands in public
we never touch
we dont show our compassion
we secretly show it in our eyes,
in how we stare each other
but its not enough

we barely touch each other when we're at his parents house
we rarely stay close to each other when there is friends
we keep it shut

perhaps when it be come our daily routine to keep everything in secret
its hard for us to express anything openly in the end

we eventually keep secret to each other
we didnt say what we wanna say
we keep our mouth shut when there's a problem
and pray time will fade it away

for that's how we live our daily gay life
we keep silent

sometimes..
i no longer able to share things with him anymore
im just there, without fully aware or care what is going on
its tiring when relationship cant go anywhere publicly

sometimes..
i see couple sleeping in the bus
they put each other's head in the shoulder
i wonder how it feels to be able to do so freely with my BF in public
to wipe spoiled food in his lips with my finger
to fix his hair
to button his shirt
to kiss him in the forehead when departed
to hold hands
to show how much i love him every time i want to
every time everywhere

i never tough im gonna be one of those people that hide
not until my dad blow up in anger when he suspect me as gay
not until my dad suspend the tuition for my master
not until my dad literally order me to keep my BF away from home
not until i realize how disappointed each and every one of the family
not until i realize this love will go in silence

silence is here now
in every door that i quietly shut when i sneak my BF in
in every step when we walk the stairs to my room
in every breath we exhale when we're making love
in the dead dawn when he leave, unknown to all
it is here
and its here to stay

sometimes... i wanna scream