twenty four

hm... saya menulis pesan tak penting ini setelah bertemu muka alias kopdar dengan salah satu friendlist saya di mj, nick-nya kiddobadboy.
sebenarnya kalau mau beralasan, bukan saya yang minta kopdar tapi kiddobadboy (anehnya saya juga punya friendlist di-mj dgn nick yg mirip; kiddo, minus badboy. to be honest, dia salah satu alasan akhirnya saya menambah kiddobadboy ke dalam friendlist saya di mj, karena dia berbagi nick yang sama)

so it goes like this:

here lies a desire
here lies fear
here stood disappointment

there he stood, young in his gray pants and blue tshirt
you can see how he barely past his youth
none of queered sign but his blue plastic strap wrapped in his wrist, one of the kind that football player used to wear for raising funds.
he stood there and smile, tried to look natural, but you can see all to clearly that he's nervous. Much just like you.
Yes you did, you can hear it in your voice and all the choice of topics that suddenly puff-off from your mind.
You sense fear, of what he might think of you, all the bad things.
But you try to avoid to think one. So you start to make conversations, word-vomit you used to say. All the way from the very start both of you stop the public transportation to the end of the day. nothing worst than pretensions.
but all cant be perfect. so was you.
the young boy scared you like shit with the youth that you had lost long time ago.
suddenly you realize how old you are and how sad that made you.
age just numbers, your sister once recite. No its not, age is in the body. Once you cant keep up on how you used to work your days, you're there. old. and there you were in the end of the day, tired as hell.
there's sadness in that day. but you try to play hide and seek.
in the end, the feeling caught you. and you sat there, melancholic for the rest of the month.
but you cant stop to desire. feeling lost for all the time that had passed, you try to reach, hoping all were still there. your youth. your vague hope that somehow you're not late. it disappeared too fast.
you had not known what was going on, you still are. so you lament.
like all the losers do.
you stop (time feels like stopping) you shed tears. you easily angered. you runaway, the one easiest choice. you're gone.
from your loved ones, from friends and family. you hate yourself.
you hate your life.

there's a kind of joy in sadness
you just have to cry and all is forgotten
all is forgiven
when there's not a single thing changed
you crawl to your grief
its almost illusive
that's what desperate does
he accepts how little he is
and how so little he can do
you did

you stood there
you know how much you wanna hug him
the lost youth you had to accept
but you did not
your heart still hopes
there's this tiny change that you can still do
perhaps this is how pandora felt
with all the grieves
with all the regrets
as long as a man lives
he just had to have hope
how small
how meaningless
perhaps

 
yeah not much in there
i know
i'll try better next time :p