reason(s)

last nite i read some lines from a gay person who had been in relation for 12 years
the relation ended after such time
i dont know what happen
the link to the guy is expired and i cant ask such question no more

me and my boyfriend had not spend such time, 12 years
maybe we will, maybe we wont
one thing is, i ask myself, what do gay couple have in relation to have reason in staying together when shit happens?
the hetero have their kids when shit happens
is it a reason?
off course some hetero dont have kids
my uncle does not
he's married for more than 30 years without kid(s)
so i guess some can go by without one (or two)
some hetero do stay together for kids
my parents for instance
im pretty sure they stay together for us (and for some other issues too off course)
i always think they count us in
but a hetero friend of mine just got divorce this month
with two kids in the family
so i think some just dont care whether having kids or not, the divorce go on
so having kid(s) is just an excuse
you can go or not go whether you have kid(s) or have not

so why hetero couples stay together?
what make the difference with the gays?

im pretty sure they dont make any difference
homosexuals or not, couples are prone to break
it is hard to keep oneself to one person for the rest of one's life
but there is wisdom inside every relation
and warmth
i dont how it is with the hetero
but there is kindness in keeping yourself staying together with one person

there's a lot of moments when i doubt myself in the commitment
when i meet new person that looks as if he is soo much better than my boyfriend
wiser
younger
richer
smarter
fresher
and any other -er ending adjective
there's moments when i actually have to keep myself in one spot and force to think
to think about the promise i said to him
that his dick is the only dick that i will ever see for the rest of my life in earth
that my heart will stay sacred for him
and he will never be an option, always the priority
that he will always be the one next to me when im eating whopper
yeah, that how important he is

i break that promise sometimes
not the dick, the heart the priority and the whopper thing that is
whenever i find new guy
the -er endings guy
my boyfriend's like lost from my surrounding
but weirdly i always find myself back to him
the older and wiser guy
the younger and fresher guy
the smarter and tidier guy
i meet the guys
just to find myself that somehow with their -er behind their adjectives still im in love with my boyfriend even more
off course there's always tears
i remember the moment i truly lost in this -er ending guy
and have to think what to do next
should i break my rules?
should i go wherever my desire pleases?
when my mind ponder with such question, i sit there with my boyfriend sleeping next to me
there is kindness in a sleeping face
i dont have to see his facial gesture
no visual persona, just the physical-biological-face
and there i sit
with tears of regret
what evil i would have done to such person
such person who will go beyond himself just to make me secure
such person who wait for me to come home, in hours
such person who will try hard not to lost his temper when my mood swing linger
a person who will forgive me no matter what i did
a person who will always love even tough one never really understand why
such a person
who am i to do such evil?
then i will burst in tears
of regret?
of relief?
tears of sadness
tears are always of sadness
what kind of sadness one may ask?
the kind that ask questions on how human are full of flaws
in understanding that, i need a person, one specific person to put that understanding to bear in my mind
one specific person that reflect myself
one who can radiance my own selfishness, confusion, patience, understanding, all the elements that makes me human; the evil, the good and the in-between
one person who can retrospectively make me think
the patient and honest one
the one who will try harder beyond one self
that is why i still linger around him in my sleep
he thought myself on being wiser, in the evil and good side of me
relation can only have meaning when you're in it, when you challenge yourself keeping it
be there to keep asking the relation itself
keep asking your desire
keep asking your commitment
to a moment where you harvest all the reasons
replenish yourself
there you will find so liiitle so close to have the cycle of life that you cant have in homosexual relation for you wont have that biological cycle like the hetero; kids
im pretty sure kids thought the parents much much wiser lessons in life
that's why the mighty being create one, so we can be wiser
i guess for me, that is my one reason for staying tune with my boyfriend
he thought me about myself
he let me challenge myself
go as far i can go but keep himself available, with his patience and honesty
and in doing so, he give me a mirror to myself
yeah, today im still in love with my BF
luckily