Be me and you is not an item
(off course i lied when i said "i've tried")
you, hollow eyes and barren lips
(a NO really means NO even when i tried my hardest)
but sweetness is in the eyes of the loving
and no matter how numb you are as person in my category
still i stay longer
even when i hate myself for it
rush and rush myself
to fullfill my desire of being love
my being love
you, the one who choose to be wet under the rain
with me and my umbrella right beside you
how sturdy
(you never know how much i want to share that space)
no you will not ask
that is how far i know you
and i dont want to ask
be you wet in the rain
i ask no more
but sweetness is in the eyes of the loving
hurt still
when im no longer around and your images is still with me
it takes time wih me
and i wonder how helpless will i be
so i transfer all my loving
for sadness's tiring
YOU
how i long to scream
be me precious
be me meaningless
i want to loose myself
as long as its not tears
NO i dont crave all the adventure
no sea
no beaches
no mountain
no cities
no roads
no jungle
compares to staying
that little hour with you
in times like this i believe god
the all mighty being
just to curse
just to wish
just to throw my confusion away
how selffullfilling
all is
Dia akan pergi subuh subuh. Ketika pagi masih gelap dan suara mobil masih terdengar satu satu, panjang dan lengang. Dia akan pergi sendiri, atau menggunakan mobil bersama orang yang dia sayang. Dia tidak akan menyetir, hanya duduk di sampingnya sambil mengamati perubahan mimik mukanya. Dan mereka akan melalui jalan yang lengang, dengan lampu jalan oranye yang membuat jalan terlihat hangat tapi sendiri. Oranye yang suram, oranye yang membuatnya merasa sepi, seperti memori. Lalu mereka akan mengambil jalanan beraspal yang terlihat paling panjang, seperti hamparan karpet yang ditebar. Mereka akan melewati pohon pohon tinggi dan kurus berselang seling seperti barisan, kebun kebun teh yang seperti permadani, sungai, bukit bukit dan pantai ditepi jalan. Mereka akan mengemudi sepanjang pantai, hanya untuk melihatnya dari jauh. Mereka akan menyalakan musik, musik tanpa vokal, hanya suara instrumen yang dinyalakan kencang kencang. Langit akan diiringi rintik hujan. Rintik yang kecil kecil dan lambat. Rintik yang biasa membuat dia termangu di depan jendela kaca sambil memperhatikan bulir bulir hujan berjatuhan satu persatu ke tanah dan menimbulkan riak pada genangan air yang berwarna perak ketika akhirnya jatuh. Lalu mereka akan berhenti pada satu puncak bukit yang menghadap ke lembah dengan hutan menghampar, atau sebuah pantai dengan pasir putihnya yang luas menghadap laut dengan desau ombak yang pecah mendebur. Lalu mereka akan menghadap laut. Menurunkan sandaran kursi, meregangkan kaki dan tangan lalu memandang. Apapun yang ada di depan mata, dengan sinar perak yang panjang ketika matahari mulai muncul di garis langit dan menerpa permukaan air, mencipta kilauan. Lalu dia akan mengalihkan pandangannya pada sang pengemudi, tersenyum dan mencoba untuk tertidur sambil berharap, ini semua bukan sebuah narasi dalam sepenggal cerita fiksi.
Jumat, 05 November 2010
green
here come promises
here come words you have said
like love
like remembering how to desire
lost in daily
'are you thick enough?'
ask one to self
only to find remedy in human flaws
daily
how cruel
i want
like a child with sweets
i want
a glorius day
like sunshine in beaches
sound of waves
raindrops on the roof
breezy air in a cloudy day
green mountains with fogs
i want
birds chanting
grasshopers singing
an ease of mind
where am i now
where am i
have i come to the place i want most
stretch my arms like a poplar trees
like 'there aint no wrong
no mistakes
where am i now
where am i
will you wait for me there still?
here come words you have said
like love
like remembering how to desire
lost in daily
'are you thick enough?'
ask one to self
only to find remedy in human flaws
daily
how cruel
i want
like a child with sweets
i want
a glorius day
like sunshine in beaches
sound of waves
raindrops on the roof
breezy air in a cloudy day
green mountains with fogs
i want
birds chanting
grasshopers singing
an ease of mind
where am i now
where am i
have i come to the place i want most
stretch my arms like a poplar trees
like 'there aint no wrong
no mistakes
where am i now
where am i
will you wait for me there still?
Kamis, 04 November 2010
in waiting
'you must have been very sad to be able to write such a sad line'... that was my last sentence.
then he said his words of goodbye and leave.
i sat there, shared his sadness in my own way for i can never comprehend the despair he felt.
with no chance for me to say anything else, he disappear.
leaving me with a sense of worry and vague feeling of guilt.
i always sense a form of kindness in fragility.
you can only have a broken heart when you love the thing that broke you much enough.
once broken, you left with fragility, a fear of broken once more.
the fear of not being love and the desire to love, leave one with a confusion of wants.
a sense of fragility.
in a way, its beautiful.
that's why i adore them.
kiddo, is one of them.
i only have the privilege to see his image in that sense.
the confuse, misunderstood, hostile person who might be afraid to love someone something too dear, for the rejection will stay while the thing or the person itself has left.
i have my share in fragility.
perhaps that is why i have the urge to be around fragile people.
the sense of being able to help, gives me a sense of importance.
perhaps i feed from their misery.
perhaps i am that evil.
perhaps i am not.
i have my share in fragility.
in rejection and broken heart.
i live most of my life rejecting my desire for male of the species, while wanting them all the time.
i somehow in my youth develop the ability to fall for the wrong guys; the straight one.
i always fall for the straight guys, imagine that.
six years of my youth for a series of rejection from one straight guy to another.
once, i even try to have a girlfriend as a result of my futile attempt to find affection towards the guys.
until one day, i find my last straight to be fall in to.
its the king of pain, the queen of sorrow.
that one person that change your course of life.
he did, that one stupid straight guy.
funny thing is, he might not even notice it.
ever since, i never risk my heart to straights.
perhaps i leave that part with him, my broken heart, so i can have another heart.
i'm so much happier now, weirdly to say.
weirdly to say, once you're out off that broken season, you're so much free-er.
i have my thanks to him, my last straight guy.
sometimes, i revisit that one broken heart of mine just for the sake of memory.
once loving, you can never actually un-love.
perhaps that's my difference with kiddo.
he didn't leave his broken heart.
the unspoken cant never really be forgotten.
i have my closing then luckily, perhaps he did not.
that's why we need closing, to remember all in order to leave it behind and say our departure.
leaving it to be forgotten.
that was what i had learn from four years of wanting the wrong guy, my second last one guy.
the only reason that keeps me waiting, later on i realize was, i haven't made my closing.
so i keep linger with his image; my image of him.
fully absorb with my own imagination, i forget which one is the 'real' one and which one is my desire.
the image become awfully blurred.
perhaps there the mighty being hear my prayer.
on the fourth year, i have my closing in a way i never imagine.
after that, in an instance he's out of my life.
so fast, that it makes me wonder on how useless the time i have spent thinking of him.
that is how stupid i am.
so when i met my last straight guy, i have my lesson on waiting and wanting.
i wait, but this time i count.
we really got to have misery so we can learn, i assume.
kiddo might not have his closing.
its not about love or not love.
its about realizing how miserable yourself is and how miserable you will be if you stay.
perhaps what really help me was that i truly love life itself.
more than myself.
more than anyone.
perhaps that's what i see in fragile people.
they try too hard.
when i was in my state of fragility, i was so confuse that sometimes i think i wont be able to help myself; in stopping.
its true, i wasn't able to help myself.
a book did; guide to depression.
that's what i do, i read it trough and was relief.
the book itself doesn't help much, the relief did.
in accepting how depressed i was, i'm so much less depressed.
there then perhaps i unconsciously had accept that im no longer happy and need to stop in order to move on.
kiddo, i dont know what happen to him.
perhaps he got too much broken heart.
when you're in his state, you just dont recover.
that is how fragile he is.
it gives rise for my desire to help.
there's happiness in helping people.
actually with kiddo, i have a mix feeling.
he never was a fragile one.
he's close to cynical and ignorant.
he hates people, that much i can tell.
but the reason for his hate, from my point of view is jealousy and rejection.
when you love small things like the sky and the weather, or words that someone say in books or real conversation, its impossible for such to not love the humans.
i always think kiddo genuinely love people.
just that perhaps he hates it when certain people that he feel dearly didnt show affection as much as he did.
he need something in return, in affection, i assume.
me, i dont really need it.
well its a lie..
but overall, i really dont need feed backs.
with kiddo, i wanna give as much as affection he needs.
for when one get all the affection one wants, one will need not much of something else.
yeah, that is how naive my taught is.
kiddo, he just need attention, thats all.
the rest, he'll get by.
i just wish i can be that person for him.
not because i want something in return.
its because i know how overwhelming the feeling of unwanted is.
kiddo, i do pray you got all the love you should get.
from me, or anyone else.
then he said his words of goodbye and leave.
i sat there, shared his sadness in my own way for i can never comprehend the despair he felt.
with no chance for me to say anything else, he disappear.
leaving me with a sense of worry and vague feeling of guilt.
i always sense a form of kindness in fragility.
you can only have a broken heart when you love the thing that broke you much enough.
once broken, you left with fragility, a fear of broken once more.
the fear of not being love and the desire to love, leave one with a confusion of wants.
a sense of fragility.
in a way, its beautiful.
that's why i adore them.
kiddo, is one of them.
i only have the privilege to see his image in that sense.
the confuse, misunderstood, hostile person who might be afraid to love someone something too dear, for the rejection will stay while the thing or the person itself has left.
i have my share in fragility.
perhaps that is why i have the urge to be around fragile people.
the sense of being able to help, gives me a sense of importance.
perhaps i feed from their misery.
perhaps i am that evil.
perhaps i am not.
i have my share in fragility.
in rejection and broken heart.
i live most of my life rejecting my desire for male of the species, while wanting them all the time.
i somehow in my youth develop the ability to fall for the wrong guys; the straight one.
i always fall for the straight guys, imagine that.
six years of my youth for a series of rejection from one straight guy to another.
once, i even try to have a girlfriend as a result of my futile attempt to find affection towards the guys.
until one day, i find my last straight to be fall in to.
its the king of pain, the queen of sorrow.
that one person that change your course of life.
he did, that one stupid straight guy.
funny thing is, he might not even notice it.
ever since, i never risk my heart to straights.
perhaps i leave that part with him, my broken heart, so i can have another heart.
i'm so much happier now, weirdly to say.
weirdly to say, once you're out off that broken season, you're so much free-er.
i have my thanks to him, my last straight guy.
sometimes, i revisit that one broken heart of mine just for the sake of memory.
once loving, you can never actually un-love.
perhaps that's my difference with kiddo.
he didn't leave his broken heart.
the unspoken cant never really be forgotten.
i have my closing then luckily, perhaps he did not.
that's why we need closing, to remember all in order to leave it behind and say our departure.
leaving it to be forgotten.
that was what i had learn from four years of wanting the wrong guy, my second last one guy.
the only reason that keeps me waiting, later on i realize was, i haven't made my closing.
so i keep linger with his image; my image of him.
fully absorb with my own imagination, i forget which one is the 'real' one and which one is my desire.
the image become awfully blurred.
perhaps there the mighty being hear my prayer.
on the fourth year, i have my closing in a way i never imagine.
after that, in an instance he's out of my life.
so fast, that it makes me wonder on how useless the time i have spent thinking of him.
that is how stupid i am.
so when i met my last straight guy, i have my lesson on waiting and wanting.
i wait, but this time i count.
we really got to have misery so we can learn, i assume.
kiddo might not have his closing.
its not about love or not love.
its about realizing how miserable yourself is and how miserable you will be if you stay.
perhaps what really help me was that i truly love life itself.
more than myself.
more than anyone.
perhaps that's what i see in fragile people.
they try too hard.
when i was in my state of fragility, i was so confuse that sometimes i think i wont be able to help myself; in stopping.
its true, i wasn't able to help myself.
a book did; guide to depression.
that's what i do, i read it trough and was relief.
the book itself doesn't help much, the relief did.
in accepting how depressed i was, i'm so much less depressed.
there then perhaps i unconsciously had accept that im no longer happy and need to stop in order to move on.
kiddo, i dont know what happen to him.
perhaps he got too much broken heart.
when you're in his state, you just dont recover.
that is how fragile he is.
it gives rise for my desire to help.
there's happiness in helping people.
actually with kiddo, i have a mix feeling.
he never was a fragile one.
he's close to cynical and ignorant.
he hates people, that much i can tell.
but the reason for his hate, from my point of view is jealousy and rejection.
when you love small things like the sky and the weather, or words that someone say in books or real conversation, its impossible for such to not love the humans.
i always think kiddo genuinely love people.
just that perhaps he hates it when certain people that he feel dearly didnt show affection as much as he did.
he need something in return, in affection, i assume.
me, i dont really need it.
well its a lie..
but overall, i really dont need feed backs.
with kiddo, i wanna give as much as affection he needs.
for when one get all the affection one wants, one will need not much of something else.
yeah, that is how naive my taught is.
kiddo, he just need attention, thats all.
the rest, he'll get by.
i just wish i can be that person for him.
not because i want something in return.
its because i know how overwhelming the feeling of unwanted is.
kiddo, i do pray you got all the love you should get.
from me, or anyone else.
Rabu, 03 November 2010
tired chasing life
i just lost my flash disk
all the things i have written now is lost
and suddenly i feel such grief
i have long develop the tendency to savor all the little joy in life
small things that sometimes doesnt matter for most people
that's why when i lost that little precious things, i would be broken
the flashdisk is something dear
but the writing inside is something that is very personal
and to make it worst, most of the writings are from the past
so its not something that can be retrieved just like that
when the writing's lost, i feel that some part of my past had gone
it is sad
very sad
all the things i have written now is lost
and suddenly i feel such grief
i have long develop the tendency to savor all the little joy in life
small things that sometimes doesnt matter for most people
that's why when i lost that little precious things, i would be broken
the flashdisk is something dear
but the writing inside is something that is very personal
and to make it worst, most of the writings are from the past
so its not something that can be retrieved just like that
when the writing's lost, i feel that some part of my past had gone
it is sad
very sad
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