minus 21

dont you hate me now
that i turn out to be just another guy

no forever after
no always
all the sweet words and promises, dont they make me look like a fool now?
do you know how broken hearted i am when i found out how naive they are
and how weak my commitment is
and how terrible it is to let the love i have deteriorated
i stop and shiver, thinking how sad it is
and how sad i am

dont you hate me now?

vain

here come the -er ending guy
king of desire
youth, the younger
blessed with fragility as the theme
how seducing
how desirable

when he said: what would you do to me
O'how confusing the answer was
you offer yourself yet i have to hold back myself so daringly
how desirable

you ask me to come
off course i would
just to test myself
no would be a lie
i do care for you, in a sense
yet, i havnt figure it out
why do i care?

yang

Yang dia takuti adalah waktu
lebih tepatnya kefanaan

Yang dia takuti adalah ketidakberdayaan
dan kejinya kematian

Yang dia takuti adalah orang lain
their pride
and their prejudice

Yang dia takuti adalah dirinya sendiri
lupanya
dan malasnya

truth is

There is sadness in truth

some say, we never choose to be gay
i muchly agree with that
but i may say that it is my decision that now i live a gay life
i didnt choose to be gay but i decide to live as one

it takes quite sometime
a few broken heart some misery and a mere luck
if one's patient enough, one will find a way (but some may not)
but there is sadness in truth

for quite sometime when i have not yet decide to live a gay life,
i always assume that life will be so much better,
so much happier when i finally can make peace with my sexuality
'when one embrace it' a friend once say
life will be different if the missing part of my life is acclaimed; a love of my own, the big dark man

it is different now
yes, its different when i finally jump from the room of comfort i once had
i leave half heart heterosexual life of mine
i leave religion
and a dream where i have a heterosexual family of my own, a wife and kids
i miss it sometime

it was like a child dream what i have then;
a boyfriend of my own and life will be complete
i bypass alot of things there
the everyday life needs more than just a boyfriend to be complete.
my sister used to say
if love is not a kind of a light that struck your life then it may be a form of hunger
just like body needs foods when it is hungry then so is love
mine was so longing for comfort and care from the same sex that i spend most of my youth to fullfill it
my soul was craving for one
to find the answer
to find the person
to find the right thing
there, i bypass alot of things
a lot of other vital thing in life
i sacrifice things without trully realize it
some may say stupid, i say its a bliss

my boyfriend may hate me for thinking this
but what can i do when my nightmares still come uninvited
when my soul craving didnt stop
and sometimes in every end of the year, the craving come, melancholy takes over and i'll be left with emptiness

theres not much in life that i want, i can say far as this
i never want to have a journey around the world
no richness
no style
no long age
i just want a peace of mind

i used to think i can find one in love
but there is sadness in truth
and the truth is i can not

im not the kind of person who break easily
so i remember all my broken heart

the first was when im in elementry school; my mom refused to take me to the dentist because the previous day i refuse to extract my teeth, so the doctor could do nothing but to prescribe a medicine. my mom soo angry that she had to paid alot for a piece of paper.
what can an elementry school boy understand from such anger, all i can remember was the pain from extraction. i was afraid.
i never ask my mom about it, but i was broken hearted then. i went to the dentist by myself that night and let the doctor extract my teeth. i cry all the way home.

the 2nd one was when im in high school.
the day i found out my father had an affair.
it was devastating for every each of the family member.
all of us run away.
we stop talking to eachother for quite sometimes and it changes me a lot.
i can say i never recover from this and since that day, i stop talking to my parents.
i cant handle the broken dream.

the third was from my lecturer when he easily shove away my final paper and ask me to do a simpler and common one.
i rewrite what he ask that same nite and complete the paper in a week.
i never take a look at it twice. my believe in educators vanish with my eagerness to learn.

the last one was from a guy, i know how typical it is.
but i never in a way wants him as a boyfriend.
he is in a way straight and i learn not to keep my hope to one.
he truly is a friend and a very nice one.
when a guy rejects my feeling for him simply because he cant handle his own emotion,
when he cant express his own emotion upon me by honesty nothing much i can do but to burst my anger in tear.
i was broken by his fear to his own feeling.
i may misunderstood him, i may be misunderstood, but that night i walk away and didnt return.

and this week i just realize
how love is not a piece that complete the wholeness of life
its not the only missing piece
a happy life is more than love
there are so many pieces that i have to recollect
i took love for granted in thinking that it will complete my happiness.

intermesso

its been a while i have not post my writings
my reason was simple; i dont want my bf to read it anymore.
but last nite, unwillingly i found he's bee up and down in my PC
all that i have written is there
i lost my reason to do so anymore
so here is some of the writings i have done
up and away for my bf to read, again.