reason(s)

last nite i read some lines from a gay person who had been in relation for 12 years
the relation ended after such time
i dont know what happen
the link to the guy is expired and i cant ask such question no more

me and my boyfriend had not spend such time, 12 years
maybe we will, maybe we wont
one thing is, i ask myself, what do gay couple have in relation to have reason in staying together when shit happens?
the hetero have their kids when shit happens
is it a reason?
off course some hetero dont have kids
my uncle does not
he's married for more than 30 years without kid(s)
so i guess some can go by without one (or two)
some hetero do stay together for kids
my parents for instance
im pretty sure they stay together for us (and for some other issues too off course)
i always think they count us in
but a hetero friend of mine just got divorce this month
with two kids in the family
so i think some just dont care whether having kids or not, the divorce go on
so having kid(s) is just an excuse
you can go or not go whether you have kid(s) or have not

so why hetero couples stay together?
what make the difference with the gays?

im pretty sure they dont make any difference
homosexuals or not, couples are prone to break
it is hard to keep oneself to one person for the rest of one's life
but there is wisdom inside every relation
and warmth
i dont how it is with the hetero
but there is kindness in keeping yourself staying together with one person

there's a lot of moments when i doubt myself in the commitment
when i meet new person that looks as if he is soo much better than my boyfriend
wiser
younger
richer
smarter
fresher
and any other -er ending adjective
there's moments when i actually have to keep myself in one spot and force to think
to think about the promise i said to him
that his dick is the only dick that i will ever see for the rest of my life in earth
that my heart will stay sacred for him
and he will never be an option, always the priority
that he will always be the one next to me when im eating whopper
yeah, that how important he is

i break that promise sometimes
not the dick, the heart the priority and the whopper thing that is
whenever i find new guy
the -er endings guy
my boyfriend's like lost from my surrounding
but weirdly i always find myself back to him
the older and wiser guy
the younger and fresher guy
the smarter and tidier guy
i meet the guys
just to find myself that somehow with their -er behind their adjectives still im in love with my boyfriend even more
off course there's always tears
i remember the moment i truly lost in this -er ending guy
and have to think what to do next
should i break my rules?
should i go wherever my desire pleases?
when my mind ponder with such question, i sit there with my boyfriend sleeping next to me
there is kindness in a sleeping face
i dont have to see his facial gesture
no visual persona, just the physical-biological-face
and there i sit
with tears of regret
what evil i would have done to such person
such person who will go beyond himself just to make me secure
such person who wait for me to come home, in hours
such person who will try hard not to lost his temper when my mood swing linger
a person who will forgive me no matter what i did
a person who will always love even tough one never really understand why
such a person
who am i to do such evil?
then i will burst in tears
of regret?
of relief?
tears of sadness
tears are always of sadness
what kind of sadness one may ask?
the kind that ask questions on how human are full of flaws
in understanding that, i need a person, one specific person to put that understanding to bear in my mind
one specific person that reflect myself
one who can radiance my own selfishness, confusion, patience, understanding, all the elements that makes me human; the evil, the good and the in-between
one person who can retrospectively make me think
the patient and honest one
the one who will try harder beyond one self
that is why i still linger around him in my sleep
he thought myself on being wiser, in the evil and good side of me
relation can only have meaning when you're in it, when you challenge yourself keeping it
be there to keep asking the relation itself
keep asking your desire
keep asking your commitment
to a moment where you harvest all the reasons
replenish yourself
there you will find so liiitle so close to have the cycle of life that you cant have in homosexual relation for you wont have that biological cycle like the hetero; kids
im pretty sure kids thought the parents much much wiser lessons in life
that's why the mighty being create one, so we can be wiser
i guess for me, that is my one reason for staying tune with my boyfriend
he thought me about myself
he let me challenge myself
go as far i can go but keep himself available, with his patience and honesty
and in doing so, he give me a mirror to myself
yeah, today im still in love with my BF
luckily

sometimes

i love my BF
but its hard living a gay life here

its hard to not showing our intimacy
we try our best to keep it shut
we dont hold hands in public
we never touch
we dont show our compassion
we secretly show it in our eyes,
in how we stare each other
but its not enough

we barely touch each other when we're at his parents house
we rarely stay close to each other when there is friends
we keep it shut

perhaps when it be come our daily routine to keep everything in secret
its hard for us to express anything openly in the end

we eventually keep secret to each other
we didnt say what we wanna say
we keep our mouth shut when there's a problem
and pray time will fade it away

for that's how we live our daily gay life
we keep silent

sometimes..
i no longer able to share things with him anymore
im just there, without fully aware or care what is going on
its tiring when relationship cant go anywhere publicly

sometimes..
i see couple sleeping in the bus
they put each other's head in the shoulder
i wonder how it feels to be able to do so freely with my BF in public
to wipe spoiled food in his lips with my finger
to fix his hair
to button his shirt
to kiss him in the forehead when departed
to hold hands
to show how much i love him every time i want to
every time everywhere

i never tough im gonna be one of those people that hide
not until my dad blow up in anger when he suspect me as gay
not until my dad suspend the tuition for my master
not until my dad literally order me to keep my BF away from home
not until i realize how disappointed each and every one of the family
not until i realize this love will go in silence

silence is here now
in every door that i quietly shut when i sneak my BF in
in every step when we walk the stairs to my room
in every breath we exhale when we're making love
in the dead dawn when he leave, unknown to all
it is here
and its here to stay

sometimes... i wanna scream

twenty four

hm... saya menulis pesan tak penting ini setelah bertemu muka alias kopdar dengan salah satu friendlist saya di mj, nick-nya kiddobadboy.
sebenarnya kalau mau beralasan, bukan saya yang minta kopdar tapi kiddobadboy (anehnya saya juga punya friendlist di-mj dgn nick yg mirip; kiddo, minus badboy. to be honest, dia salah satu alasan akhirnya saya menambah kiddobadboy ke dalam friendlist saya di mj, karena dia berbagi nick yang sama)

so it goes like this:

here lies a desire
here lies fear
here stood disappointment

there he stood, young in his gray pants and blue tshirt
you can see how he barely past his youth
none of queered sign but his blue plastic strap wrapped in his wrist, one of the kind that football player used to wear for raising funds.
he stood there and smile, tried to look natural, but you can see all to clearly that he's nervous. Much just like you.
Yes you did, you can hear it in your voice and all the choice of topics that suddenly puff-off from your mind.
You sense fear, of what he might think of you, all the bad things.
But you try to avoid to think one. So you start to make conversations, word-vomit you used to say. All the way from the very start both of you stop the public transportation to the end of the day. nothing worst than pretensions.
but all cant be perfect. so was you.
the young boy scared you like shit with the youth that you had lost long time ago.
suddenly you realize how old you are and how sad that made you.
age just numbers, your sister once recite. No its not, age is in the body. Once you cant keep up on how you used to work your days, you're there. old. and there you were in the end of the day, tired as hell.
there's sadness in that day. but you try to play hide and seek.
in the end, the feeling caught you. and you sat there, melancholic for the rest of the month.
but you cant stop to desire. feeling lost for all the time that had passed, you try to reach, hoping all were still there. your youth. your vague hope that somehow you're not late. it disappeared too fast.
you had not known what was going on, you still are. so you lament.
like all the losers do.
you stop (time feels like stopping) you shed tears. you easily angered. you runaway, the one easiest choice. you're gone.
from your loved ones, from friends and family. you hate yourself.
you hate your life.

there's a kind of joy in sadness
you just have to cry and all is forgotten
all is forgiven
when there's not a single thing changed
you crawl to your grief
its almost illusive
that's what desperate does
he accepts how little he is
and how so little he can do
you did

you stood there
you know how much you wanna hug him
the lost youth you had to accept
but you did not
your heart still hopes
there's this tiny change that you can still do
perhaps this is how pandora felt
with all the grieves
with all the regrets
as long as a man lives
he just had to have hope
how small
how meaningless
perhaps

 
yeah not much in there
i know
i'll try better next time :p 

not much to say but a little lie

honestly
salah satu alasan g menulis blog ini adalah karena terlalu sedikit space untuk menulis di mj
kalaupun hendak menulis banyak banyak, g rasa gak akan ada yang peduli baca juga
cuma makhluk makhluk super penasaran saja yang akan membaca habis profile di mj
bikin blog jauh lebih keren
dan memuaskan nafsu eksibis kecil kecilan g

honestly
g selalu ingin menulis
tentang seksualitas g yang jarang sekali dapat dengan bebas g utarakan di kehidupan sosial sehari hari
(bersama pacar sekalipun)
tentang rasa ingin tahu g yang tidak tersalurkan
atau sekedar cuap cuap tidak penting namun perlu

yah terkadang bahkan g gak pengen pacar g mendengarnya dari mulut g
g hanya ingin dia membacanya

honestly
g berasa rada naif
siapa sih yang bakal peduli satu tambahan blog setelah sekian banyak blog dibuat
blog  blog yang berhasil dapat banyak pembaca
yang terbengkalai
yang segan mati
dan yang tidak penting untuk disebutkan
yah g cuma pengen nambah nambahin blog buat profile mj g biar keren
g memang rada kurang kerjaan

segitulah pemirsa cuap cuap yang bikin blog
semoga tercerahkan